The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
