captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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