My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
