please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
