Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
