I just threw up on my dentist
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
May the power of my ass compel you!!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
