Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
