hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
