Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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