My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
