he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
