How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
4 words: hood of his car
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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