Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
