Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
