The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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