every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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