Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
