he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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