i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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