I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
