So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
