bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
