i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
