my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
