Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There's even glitter on my cock...
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