The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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