I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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