my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
