drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
