Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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