Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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