I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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