i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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