My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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