Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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