In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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