I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
