Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
