I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
