I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
