life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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