mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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