you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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