and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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