im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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