I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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