something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
