Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
