Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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