Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
